Let's Talk: 3 Components of Self Compassion (w/ Stephanie Butler)

In this week's episode of the Melanin Muses Podcast, we dive into the nitty gritty of the 3 Components of Self-Compassion and how to implement them into our daily lives to live feeling more fulfilled, loved, and emotionally healthy with our Guest Muse, Stephanie Butler!

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Transcript

Niki: And welcome to this week's episode of The Melanin Muses Podcast, where we will talk about the three components of self-compassion, how to treat ourselves with grace and kindness like we would a good friend, and how to identify your own needs in the present moment with our guest muse, Stephanie Butler.

Qua: Stephanie is a life coach, a creative author, and a registered social service worker who has been in the field for over 25 years. She has been regarded as an open-minded and loving person who believes the answers are within each of us and has discovered that often. All we need is supportive help to examine situations from different angles, ask questions and challenge one's views to help us.

Niki: Through self-care, her spiritual practice, self-compassion, and seeing her own coach regularly, Stephanie is able to stay grounded within herself and provide a safe space for others to confide in and face their lives With wholehearted courage, she has also created something called the Magical Weekly Planner, A planner that helps keep you on track, but also assists you in making time to create flow in your life.

Qua: And with that said, Let's get started. Y'all. 

Niki: Hi Stephanie. 

Stephanie: Hello. Hello. 

Qua: Hi. 

Stephanie: So good to be here. 

Niki & Qua: We're happy to have you. 

Qua: So, Stephanie, tell us about you. 

Stephanie: All right. Well, I will try to keep it short and sweet, to the best of my ability. Um, for me, this, uh, this has been a growth and evolution journey, uh, from the beginning of, um, my teenage years and.

I am very grateful for everything that I've been through to get me to this point. Absolutely. But it was not an easy road. Um, so for myself, um, in the present moment, uh, currently I am, like you said, a life coach. I work in the mental health field helping others and. . Um, basically for me, I kind of went through those stumbling blocks in my life to bring me here.

And so I, um, I would say it's been over 20 years of me actually putting myself first in my life for a change and to also, um, look at how I treat myself and how I show up for others in my life. Um, so it was about probably a good 20 years ago.  actually this week, 20 years ago, I made a huge decision in my life, and that was, I chose abstinence sobriety for myself.

And so prior to that, I was living a pretty, uh, intense life, uh, full, full dive right into addictions. And so for me, um, , it was probably the last four or five years of that lifestyle that, uh, that illness that I was in, um, that it brought me to come to a place. This is Lily. Everyone , I knew she would join

Um, and so it brought me to this place where I, I knew I needed to get help and so I asked for that help, which was the hardest thing I've ever done. Um,  the best decision of my entire life because I was, I was dying. I was, um, basically living in hell on Earth, is how I describe it. There's no other way, um, if you know, you know,

And so for me, I, uh, I reached out for help and through that help I, um, received a lot of support.

Folks like myself, and that's why it was a little bit difficult cuz I've been in the social service work field for over 25 years. I'm supposed to help people. I'm not supposed to ask for help, right? That was my perspective. And so then I started to access, uh, different resources. And through those resources I found meditation, mindfulness, I found self-compassion.

I found all of these amazing tools to incorporate into my life, and you know, that's why I. We'll talk about, any of those topics to anyone who will listen, because it has changed my life. Um, I came from a place where I, um, I completely could not stand the side of my own self in the mirror. I, um, the self-hatred, the self-loathing that I had, uh, was so intense that.

You know, I, I probably for about a year and a half actually did not look in the mirror. I might have got a glimpse, you know, brushed my teeth, whatever, but the lights didn't need to be on in that bathroom. Full, full-length mirrors. What was that? Didn't need to look in them. I just could not stand myself.

And, um, and so that's part of addiction and that's, you know, part of what I went through. Slowly but surely,, I am an absolutely different person. I've done a 180, and that was through work and continued work, as you mentioned before. I continue to work with a coach and work on myself. And, you know,, I have now come to realize that my darkest days have become my greatest assets.

Um, so it's never, um, A coincidence when someone enters my life, uh, in the coaching field or in the mental health field, that they have gone through circumstances that I can relate to on a personal level. And I know, um, how to be empathetic and also kind of really get where they, where they are at some points.

And, um, and so now I, you know, I use my life experience to help others who are going through the, through addiction and continue to be, um, having addictions, but just choosing to, uh, abstain and, and I, you know, I, I, I'm a creative person. I've always been creative, and so I see it as a huge, uh, outlet for myself.

It speaks to my soul. , uh, it lets me, reminds me of who I am, uh, when I am creative. So, um, that's kind of my journey in a nutshell or very condensed version. Yeah. 

Qua: Would you say, so would you, so it's, I guess it's safe to say that, uh, your past is your motivation for your professions, right? 

Stephanie: Absolutely.

Qua: So what, uh, so I guess what came first? Was it social work? Is that what you mentioned before? 

Stephanie: Yeah, so I, I was in social work, um, and I worked with folks, but I just didn't get it because I was so sick myself, uh, in my own addiction that I didn't even realize that I was completely not understanding, uh, cause I was in full denial of my own, uh, my own illness.

So yeah. Much better in my job now and much more compassionate and understanding of where folks can find themselves. 

Qua: Yeah, I think that is what's beautiful about social work because like you said, some of the hardest things you can do is legit ask for help, and I feel like what better place to ask for help than in that actual field where you're helping everyone as much as you. Yeah. And so if you know, so, uh, and I actually have to commend you for actually being on the straightened path for 25 years and actually wanting to help people and help, uh, help them overcome their, uh, their challenges, their dragons, if you will. And yes, just kudos to you. Kudos to you, Stephanie. 

Stephanie: Thank you. 

Qua: Now, how. So what do you write? You said you're an author and you're a creative, so, so, so what's more about that? 

Stephanie: Yes, so I've written in a couple of books. A couple of chapters. Um, so the first one was, um, dear Stress, I'm Breaking Up with You, was the title which I love. And so I wrote in that one and it was. Yeah, it's a good title.

Talked a little bit about my life experience and just, um, how to stay grounded and also looking at time management. I used to be a professional organizer one time ago, and so I kind of focused on that. And then a couple of years later I wrote in, um, uh, dear Time, are You on My side? So it was a series of the Dear series.

And there I spoke more about my recovery, uh, journey and really talking about, um, goals and using your time wisely, um, and how to do that in a way that your goals are matching your values. 

Niki: What I love is that you said like your goals match your values. Because I feel like in many cases, especially with the new year, um, the time of the new year, people are like, well make goals, goals, goals, goals.

But they're not saying make it specific to something you believe in. It's just like, make a goal, and feel productive. You have to make productive the, but be specific, but does it align with.  Does it just align generally with what the world's telling you to do? So I think that a very important thing that you specified is making sure it aligns with your values and doesn't go against the core of who you are.

Like do you find that? Within that world of like your own personal journey and personal growth, you found like so many mixed messages within that realm that it made it a little bit difficult to find your way, or did you feel like you had a pretty good, uh, guiding light to help you through that? 

Stephanie: Um, I think it was a bit of both, so a lot of mixed messages, but a lot of, um, folks that just continue to be that example through my life and also, um,

I really, um, feel that my intuition has guided me along the way, um, that I, you know, I met the right people at the right time. You know, when you're ready, the teacher appears. Absolutely. I believe in that. And, um, you know, I, I, I used to be extremely close-minded. A little, maybe too open-minded. Some people might say a little woo-hoo and, uh, open-minded to a lot of things.

But, um, I think that me being willing and open has just, um, allowed me to continue to, to be on that growth and evolution journey, right? So, uh, not easy all the time, but folks just seem to appear when I need them. Ask and ye shall receive.  

Qua: And do you feel like, does this, as you went through this journey, did you see a shift as well, not only with like your professional relationships or professional connections, cause you did mention being able to more fully empathize with clients and with people because you've experienced it.

Did you see a shift in your interpersonal relationships as well? Like, oh, you started attracting not only better mentors or guides but also better, more positive, not better. That sounds terrible. Uh, more genuine and positive people into your life and creating a, like a more, uh, healthier haha circle of people?

Stephanie: Definitely I am surrounded by folks. It's like my chosen family. You know, you can choose your friends and they become family where, We don't talk about the weather, about TV and sports or whatever. We talk about life, we talk about feelings. We talk about, you know, what's going on in our lives and we get vulnerable.

and I've never experienced that in my life. You know, it was just like I had a huge wall up and it was like, you're just not gonna get past here, so don't try. And now I, I'm pretty much an open book and that's who I attracted my life. People who want, um, a, a connection with, with, with each other. Yeah. 

Qua: Do you find it hard? Did you find it hard that you had to? Sometimes when we have to heal, we have to cut certain people out of our lives. Was it really hard to cut those people outta your lives?  

Stephanie: It was, and it wasn't because as I just said, I didn't have too many deep connections with folks. It's just we had one thing in common,

Yeah. Right. And that's what I realized. It was like, you know what, there were a few people who absolutely are still in my life because they were not caught up in the scene as badly as I was. But, um, I didn't really connect too deeply. , if that makes sense. There were more acquaintances, more, uh, of that type of lifestyle and so when I knew I needed to change who I was hanging out with, it was, uh, not as difficult as it could have been.

Qua: That's for sure. Yeah. Hmm. I guess another question, when, when we go is when we go as strong for as long as we. Sometimes we have, sometimes we falter, sometimes we slip, and sometimes we mess up. What's your inspiration to keep going and to get back on your path and to remind yourself, Hey, this is gonna be for the best, this is gonna be for the long term.

This is for your goals and this is to help other people. What's, what's your inspiration for that? 

Stephanie: It's, it's, um, definitely to help other people, uh, for sure. And for me, it's always been a spiritual, So I, um, you know, I, I believe I do part of the work, but I am a full believer that I am not what keeps me sober.

Uh, so I, you know believe in deepening that connection best I can on a daily basis. And from that, um, I've never been higher in my entire life, from that and to put it that way, and, for me, I just, um, I want to be able to let other folks know there's a way out, you know, there is a way out. You don't have to live that way anymore.

As much as it's hard to believe and you can't picture living a different lifestyle. It is possible. Yeah. 

Niki: I love that. The concept of being like, you, you can be high on life, um, and it 

Stephanie: Absolutely.


Niki:  And it's such a different feeling in terms of, do you feel like addiction's also connected to like depression and what can lead to that and anxiety and low self-worth and low self-esteem and things along that terms?

Stephanie: Definitely. I, you know, still struggle with depression and anxiety. Like I think that's maybe why I was medicating for all those years. If you wanna call it medicating or whatever. Um, yeah. And I've just found tools that help me, um, to, to, to live the way that I live, and yeah. I'm gonna have some down days.

Absolutely. We all do. But it's not a, um, deep cycle of depression and, um, the anxiety, yeah, it's there, but it's, it's more of a low grade now, . It's not so intensive in my life. Mm-hmm.  and. , the self-esteem and low self-worth, definitely fight that battle every day because you know that inner ego is telling me constantly, you're just not good enough or this or that.

I, I don't buy into that storyline anymore, but I definitely could hear it now and then, yeah.

Niki: I definitely understand that. It's like a regular battle on a daily of fighting.  And I think, um, cause I've, I was also diagnosed with like depression and anxiety. So I, I get that part of the constant when you're, when you're trying to re uh, recreate a new life start, like, uh, book reference.

Be the author of New Life and just write a new chapter. Ha, I like a punny joke, but when seriousness. But when you start doing that, you are constantly, it's almost like you're constantly in a way of talking yourself down, talking yourself off that ledge like that. Thought will pop in your head and then you're like, Nope, nope, nope, we're not doing that anymore.

I thought we had a conversation about this. Go, go back. Go sit down somewhere. Uhuh, we're not having that today. And it's, it can be tiring. It can be very mentally exhausting. It could just be very frustrating. It could be very emotional, but. It's, I would love to know your experience with it. The moment you start seeing progress and like you don't hear that voice as often or the people, the chosen family that you made, you start recognizing like their good vibes start rubbing off on you and you just start feeling genuinely happy.

 You feel like, oh, you actually start feeling that love rather than that numbness of, oh, I don't deserve that. I was like, oh my God, I deserve this. I like these people. They like me too. Oh my gosh. Um, it's a beautiful feeling. And you that when you start feeling that shift not only in your mind but in your heart and your soul, it's just such a surreal experience.

Like is that something that you felt as well? 

Stephanie: Absolutely, and it is something that I do not take for granted ever because you know, my entire.  life till I was 28 years old. I numbed myself,  any which way I could. And then for about five years of, you know, not numbing, uh, through alcohol or drugs, I was still suppressing everything because I was terrified to feel.

And now, you know, yes, I, I need. Feel, um, the opposites of each feeling. Definitely to have that, uh, understanding of what, you know, joy and depression mean. You know, I need to have the two of them, but I am definitely living more in the joy, the gratitude, the, you know, just having that creativity and imagination running wild and I wouldn't, you know, change that for anything.

uh, you know, emotions can still scare me once in a while. Absolutely. But, you know, I, I remember watching a TED talk and it's literally 90 seconds to feel an emotion from beginning to end. It takes 90 seconds, and then after that, you're usually onto the next thought, the next feeling, or the next something.

And I'm like, 90 seconds I can do this. You know? And sometimes it's just talking myself through that You.

Qua: I think it's actually good to do that. I think when we have a bad thought like that, or any kind of bad thought that gets in our head, we try to repress it immediately or we try to just ignore it and go, no, this isn't gonna work.

And what I was told, like quite literally, quite literally what you just said, is you have to feel through it. But that doesn't mean wallowing in it. That doesn't mean just sitting there on it. No, do something about it. Why am I feeling this way? Well, what made me feel this way? Well, can I pinpoint when it actually started?

Can I pinpoint when I started to feel like this? Okay, well, how could I, what could I do to, I'm not gonna say, not make myself feel like this anymore, but how can I perceive this differently and cope with it and learn to live with it to the.  Where it may eventually go away or, or the way I perceive it can change this actual thought.

Can I do anything about it? And there's, you know, there's actually a ton of things you can actually do about it. And when you start to actually do one thing, you then realize, oh my God, there's like five more things I can do. Oh my God, there are 10 more things I can do. And you can even do it on your own.

Finding that all on your own. Now it's obvious, it's easier when you actually have a group to talk to who actually feels what you are feeling or has or is sympathetic enough to actually see you, hear you, and acknowledge you. But definitely, having that talk with yourself to actually like try to figure out why are you feeling this way and what can we do to make it better?

 I don't think people realize how helpful that really is to actually genuinely have that talk with yourself. It's very scary. You might cry, you might have a tantrum, you might start throwing stuff, but, but to actually face that feeling head-on and not bury it, I think would help anyone in the long term.

Niki: Absolutely.

Stephanie: That’s self-compassion. Self-compassion. When we get to that.

Niki: Yes, and that is a perfect moment. I was just about to say that this is the perfect moment to take a pause, take a moment and we're gonna just take a, we are just going to take a quick add break. Be right back guys.

Qua:  All right guys. We are back with part two of this episode, and we talked about a lot of self-help, but now we're gonna take a segue and talk about the three components of self-compassion. Stephanie, please explain. 

Stephanie: Yes, self-compassion. So the three components are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Qua: Yes. All right, so what is self-kindness, 

Stephanie: So self-kindness. The best exercise that I have found is if you find yourself in a situation where maybe you're getting down on yourself or you're not sure how to react, you can ask yourself, if my friend, my best friend, my good friend was in this situation, what would I say to them?

because we, we always sometimes have this different standard for ourselves than others, right? And so when we can kind of take that step back and look at the situation from how would I comfort a friend in this situation, what would I say? It's gonna be a whole lot different than what you would be saying to yourself.

And so that teaches us self some self-kindness. And it takes practice because I don't know about you, you know, I shared a little bit about, I was pretty hard on myself, right? And, then, to switch that dialogue, that inner dialogue is not the easiest. So this tool, what would I say to my friend?

Dynamite. It helps me out every time. 

Qua: Yeah. It's actually really interesting that you say that, uh, that cause it is hard to, uh, not, uh, to not talk down in yourself. And I think it has a lot to do with. You know how a habit forms after 20 days, talking down to yourself is a bad habit. The longer you do it, the harder it is to get out of it and to, and we have to unlearn, unlearn that, and then switch it with, you know, with self-kindness.

Talking good about yourself. What, what, like, what'd you do? That was good today. You look great today. Look yourself in the mirror and go, I love you, dude and that's, it's not, it's not easy. Hell, I still do it all the time, like, and then, but I am getting better at stopping myself, and going what are you talking about?

You don't believe that and you know, you don't believe that you don’t love yourself. Come on, man. So, yes, that is, and too, and I already know for a fact if I would ever catch any of my friends talking bad about themselves or them going through something, I'm gonna get a little intense, but I am gonna sit you down and look you into the windows of your soul,  and go.

You stop it. Talk to me. Let's figure this out. And at the end of it, say I love you. I'll let you know that I love you again. We're gonna have a long hug about this. Maybe a cry, maybe a cry or two, but it's gonna be ok.  And so I think that's a very, very good lesson and I'm actually gonna use that now. Awesome. Yes.

Niki: And also I think that ties into the concept that we, I think society teach us to treat our friends well. Like, you know, when we're kids, like, be nice to your friends, say nice things. Don't treat other people how you wanna treat them, how you want yourself to be treated, but you don't follow that second part of, well, how do I want to be treated?

You follow the part about trying to teach, like treating others very kindly, but then you forget to think about how you deserve to be.  because you wanna try to be selfless instead of selfish. But we need to remind ourselves that it's not selfish to want to be treated well. And how can we set an example for how, how we want others to treat us if we don't show it to ourselves first and if we don't give that demonstration to other people?

And that ties into also our sense of self-worth and self-love to see the pers the person that we see in the mirror. That's our friend. . We're not just friends with other people. We need to be friends with ourselves. And like Qua was saying if you say that's up to a friend, I don't wanna be an enemy.

What type of stuff do you say to the enemy? You know? So I, I think that's just a wonderful and a very powerful reminder to ourselves to be like, be gentle, be kind. And remember, we des we all deserve respect. We all deserve that basic, common courtesy.  be, be nice to yourself. And so that will transition to the second component of self-compassion. Can you go into that one? 

Stephanie: Yeah. So common humanity, it kind of ties into where we have these different standards for ourselves, right? So, um, I'm supposed to, uh, not always perfectionism, but you know, be close to perfect at everything that I do, right? And then when I don't achieve that, I've really messed up.

There's something critically wrong with me, but common humanity is, you know what? I'm not the first norm. I gotta be the last person to make a mistake. . I am not, you know, so many people have done what I've done. If I messed up at work, or, you know, tripped and fell, or whatever it might be. I'm not the only person and we, our brains, and our egos can tell us that to make us feel different, to make us feel like we really have messed up when we haven't.

And so that puts it into perspective, and it allows us to make it a little bit easier to talk about it to friends and family. Or colleagues and just say like, you know what? I think I messed up in that, in that meeting at work. You know, can I talk to you about it? Instead of hiding this deep, dark, horrible secret, like, I'm the only one who's done something like this.

No, we all mess up. That's how we learn and grow and move forward. Right? So that is the second component. And uh, and I get it because my mind likes to tell me, no, you're the only one who's ever done something like that.

Qua: I hope a lot of young people hear this because I think they actually have, we all go through this, but I think they're kind of going through that in itself harder than most.

You see what they actually have to go through in today's world and what they actually have to worry about. Not only that, what, like the tools that they have, like social media, like Instagram for example, how you're basically comparing yours. To people in these accounts and these accounts where they're going on extravagant vacations, they're wearing the coolest dresses, they're going to the craziest places.

They have all these friends, they're meeting all these celebrities. They're meeting, they're going like to all these crazy countries and stuff, and the kid is sitting there, or the kid's plural, are sitting back going, why am I not doing that? Why am I not there yet? Why am I not like, what am I doing?, oh, I'm, I'm not good enough.

I'm not pretty enough. I'm not, I'm not smart enough. I'm not talented enough. And not only that, it's gonna go, it's gonna be compared to what they're being told. Uh uh, like face-to-face you should already have this figured out. You should already know if you want to go to college or if you just want to go to work immediately.

You should already know. If you wanna have a family, you should know. If you know, if you wanna get married or buy a house, or rent a house, what do you wanna do? Why isn't your life figured out? And. , you try to really sit them down and tell them like, Hey, you don't have to have anything figured out actually, and I’d let you in on like, on like a secret.

No one has anything figured out. Actually, we, everyone goes through this all the time. I try to tell my little cousins that all the time of, I'm 26 actually about to be 27, but I'm, I don't have anything figured. I know what I gotta do. I know I have responsibilities that I gotta do, but that's just with becoming an adult.

But to the core, no idea. And it's okay to not know. And it's okay to go at your pace of how you want to do of, of how you wanna do it. And it's, but still, it's very hard to hell them Matt And cuz you know. How can you tell someone that and expect them to learn it When you, yourself, it took you a long time to learn that no matter what, it's you who has to learn it yourself?

So again, great tool. Gonna use that later. Definitely gonna drill it into my little cousin's heads too. You're doing too much kid. You're doing too much.

Niki: I, yeah, gem-dropping moments. And so if those are the first two, we need to know more in-depth about the last one. Please share. 

Stephanie: Yeah, so mindfulness being in the moment, being grounded right here, right now. Not easy. It sounds so easy to say, but our mind is either, you know, regretting something from the past or replaying it over and you know what?

I could have done it differently. Or I'm over in the future going, oh my gosh, maybe that's not gonna work out. What if this happens? What if that happens? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. And we're never right here. And so the more we practice mindfulness, the more. , I guess grounded we are. And so we're not gonna have so many highs and lows, right?

In the sense of emotions or, um, feeling, um, out of sorts. If a situation comes up so that I make a mistake, I'm not gonna, you know, zoom like that. I'm gonna try to get in the moment and ground myself.  and then kind of say, okay, what's the situation for real? What is the gravity of this? And then I have some self-kindness.

And then I remind myself, okay, I'm not the only one who's made a mistake. Maybe, maybe somebody I know has gone through this. Let me look for some resources. Let me talk to them because I'm being mindful. I'm present in this moment, so I'm not freaking out about I'm gonna get fired, or whatever it might be that I'm telling.

And so that's using the three of them together when we're in some type of situation where we're feeling overwhelmed. Right? And so the first thing is to try to get grounded right in, into being in this moment. And the best way is our senses use your five senses. And I always, I always do this one, which is, where are my feet right now?

And I actually say where I'm at, what day is, what time it is. So then I'm like, I'm physically right here, right now and say, what do I need to do for the next 10 to 15 minutes? Right? And so if it's, if something just happened and it's like I need to know an answer, okay, then the answer is the next 5, 10, 15 minutes I need to figure out plan.

or it's okay, you know what? I need to finish this email. I need to do something. I'm not spiraling out of control because I am, you know, not grounded and freaking out about something that might happen , right? Like so many of us do. Yeah.

Qua: That was actually really good. That was actually making me get in the deep thought of like, wow, actually. Really put yourself in the moment. Put yourself in the moment of what you need to do right now, and if what you need to do is talk to yourself right now, good. Do that right now. It actually never even occurred to me to even ask myself, where your feet right now?

Where are you standing? Where, where are you right now? What day is it? What time is it? What's the emotion that you're feeling currently? Why? All right, well, let's figure it out. Let's figure out why. Um, Stephanie, I'm gonna use all this stuff the moment we're done with the episode, we're gonna write it down and we're gonna, and we're gonna keep doing that.

This is, this is all very, very helpful.

Stephanie: Love it.

Niki: I got my post-it note right here. I was already taking notes. But no, I love that. And thank you for like following up not only by just giving us the definitions of what each of those steps is but how to actually put that into practice. I think that's very, very helpful for those who are listening to help also implement that and give it a shot into their lives.

And since we're talking about mindfulness,  actually. What do you think would be the difference or the commonality between meditation versus mindfulness? 

Stephanie: Well, meditation is more of, sometimes it can be guided or it could be a mantra. Um, it could be on the sounds or whatever that meditation is. It could be you read a.

and then you meditate on what you just read, where mindfulness is getting you into this moment. Meditation may do that. , but it might also bring a lot of questions. Meditation might bring a lot of questions. It might get you, um, you know, if you're meditating to the sound of a beach, you might be in Cuba for a little while there, you know, not in this present moment actually where you are you're, you're off enjoying that meditation.

So it's, there are mindful meditations or there's just guided meditations.

Qua:  Which, kind of meditation do you think would help someone with ADHD? I know for me, when I meditate, cause I have ADHD, when I meditate, I actually find it really hard to focus on one thing. I'll think of 20 thoughts in like 10 seconds.

And that's why I find it when people are like, just sit there and just home. I'm like, I can't do it. , I can't do that. And I always thought that, well, maybe I could meditate by doing something with my hands and just think about and just maybe think I have and just have a thought. What's the one thought you want to have with your, uh, uh, uh, while you're doing something?

So like, maybe, maybe like active or something or What I do, I actually like, I actually love to cook. I love to cook all the time. And I'll actually find myself thinking about a lot as I.  as I do the whole prep work and I'm like, this, this is helping, even though I'm not, even though I'm not like sitting still or anything, or I'm not like crisscross applesauce.

I'm not having any kind of music play. Just me, myself, this food. Uh, do you think that is a good way to have a meditation or do you think there's like a different, different way to add to? 

Stephanie: That is perfect. I, when I worked with folks, I always asked them, what did you do as a small child that the whole world disappeared except you in that activity?

So for me, it was like a coloring book or drawing, and so I could do that and nothing else existed. Right? So that was creative. So fast forward, now you're in your thirties, forties, you know, what can that look like as an adult? , you know? And that is being mindful, that's meditating. You're in the moment. You are expressing yourself, you're expressing your soul the way you are.

So is it through cooking? Is it through gardening? Is it dancing, singing, and also just day-to-day activities? You can be mindful. So you can mindfully eat, you can mindfully walk. If you're old school like me and don't have a dishwasher, you can wash your dishes mindfully. Um, and what it is, is using all your senses at that moment.

And so you're not stuck on one thing. You're kind of like, Hey, what, what am I hearing right now? , what? Do you know? Ooh, the bubbles smell so amazing. I can hear some of them popping. You know, I'm looking at my hands, picking up this, you know, like it's, it's describing kind of what you're doing at the moment, and when you're creative, you're kind of not thinking about anything else, but what is coming through you.

Right. So definitely amazing ways to, get grounded meditate, and be mindful. 

Niki: That really struck home with me when you mentioned, what did you do as a child that made you just space out and ignore the world. That’s, I think, very, very important for people nowadays because as we get older, we tend to forget.

what it's like to see the world through a child's eyes. We tend to say you have to be mature. You have to look a certain way, and behave a certain way in order to be considered, quote-unquote, an adult, or be taken seriously as an adult when the fact that children can see the world so differently and find joy in the littlest things like, oh, it's raining outside.

Oh, look at the leafs changing color. It's so. , like it's the fact that they can see all the beauty and world that we just lose as we get older something that I think we need to go back and pay attention to. Because for like, for me, similarly to how you said it was reading, I would sit down and read like 500, 600-page novels in elementary school, and just for 14 hours you would not, I would not move unless I had to.

I got super hungry or I had to use the bathroom, but I would just be sitting there reading or art as well. That was something that I got lost in just drawing for hours and writing stories. Same thing with my best friend. She's a writer as well. We would sit in silence in her kitchen for 14 hours, not saying a thing.

She would be writing. I would be painting. And it's just being able to have those moments to just be at peace with yourself and enjoy being alone, but not being alone. And I think that's something that we tend to lose as we get older, unless we act actively, actively take part in maintaining that sense of self.

And it can be very difficult, very, very difficult to get back into. Cause that's something that I struggled with for years and only recently I've been able to get back into my art before I., like I, stopped drawing. I like, I would get an itch, like a physical phantom itch in my hand of, oh, I need to draw. I would doodle something and I'll be fine for a while.

But something had blocked that off until I've been able to recently fully immerse myself back into that. And now I'm doing the same thing with reading, getting myself into that. So I, yeah, that's very, very, very important, um, to look at that. And I, I think a lot of people will be able to, Get a lot out of what you said.

So thank you, for sharing that. We really appreciate it. And as we come toward the end of the episode, I'm curious to know more about like your spiritual practice and like helping your clients as well as your magical weekly planner. Like, tell us about that, Stephanie. 

Stephanie: Okay. Um, so my magical weekly planner.

Kind of came out of my own, I guess, needs and what I was practicing on a regular basis and how I, it continued to shift my perspective. So I am a type A personality. I love checklists and writing everything down. I'm old school. I, I, I do not put stuff on my phone calendar. I need to see a week at a glance. I need to see it.

It is on paper. And when I write something, then I'm gonna actually remember it a little bit better. So my planner is it, you have you, your, uh, week to put in what you're doing, but then there's space for you to, um, remember to write down your intentions for that week, um, to write down at the end of the week what your lesson or lessons were.

Moments of gratitude from that.  also, um, looking at your creative time, so as we spoke about being creative and then, um, uh, did I say gratitude and also what you're grateful for, and then, um, self-care where what were your greatest self-care moments and. So this is kind of like looking at masculine and feminine energy, where I'm very masculine in my energy.

I wanna do, do, do, do, do. Cuz I like practical stuff and seeing outcomes. But when I am receiving and I'm in creativity and I'm using my desires, I can receive, right? And so when I am, uh, using my planner in a very masculine way, writing it down and planning different things, I am, I am, I'm helping. To be in flow, to be back and ready to receive and.

uh, that's changed so much of my life over the past few years, and I just wanted to share that with everybody. So I created this planner and, uh, yeah. And there's also a place where every month you can write down what your accomplishments are, great or small, because I think we need to celebrate. We need to celebrate what we're doing because.

again, that negative chatter. Oh, I should have, I should have like, like you were talking about earlier, I should have done this. Stop shutting on yourself. . Celebrate. What did you do right this month? You know, what did you do? Let's write it all down. And so then you can look at your year. Uh, this is the planner here.

You can look at your year, like month to month. And this is, it's. , that's what it is. It's very simple and basic, but it's so helpful to see your whole week at a glance and keeps you on track. So yeah, I hope that answers. 

Niki: I love that so much. 

Qua: Simplest, best. 

Niki: I'm a stationary nerd, like, so that just makes me happy inside.

I, I love planners and journals, like, even though I don't always stick to them, not gonna lie. I, I like 'em for the aesthetic value. And I, yeah, that's, that's, That's a whole other issue. But I love planners and that was beautiful. Yeah, I love that. 

Qua: I'm not gonna lie, the planner thing is new for me. I usually would always go with, I'll remember.

No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't. And if you do, it's something really, really, really important and stuff. That's the only thing you're really gonna remember. And actually, uh, uh, someone, it is not in my life anymore. They're not dead, but we just don't associate with each other anymore. She did give me, uh, a good, uh, thing of advice.

She goes, you're always trapped in your head. Write it down. Just write down your thoughts. You're, you're really mad right now. Write down your thoughts. I promise you, in five minutes, you're not even gonna be mad anymore. And. I was stubborn. I'm like, she doesn't know what she's talking about. I don't wanna write, I don't wanna write my journal.

It's a waste of time. And then I was still mad and I'm like, okay, let's give it a try. Yeah. Not even five minutes, three minutes. I'm not even talking about what I was mad about. I'm talking about something that I saw the other day like I'm talking about like, oh, I saw a cardinal on my, on my balcony the other day.

It was really cool. I wonder where that cardinal went to like, and just something so simple. Like writing in your journal. So I'm so simple as having a planner just to show what you're gonna do for the week. Something as simple as telling yourself, hey. This week was really hard, but you got through it, dude.

You did everything you needed to do. You got all your adulting out of the way. You got to see your friends, you got to communicate, you got to talk about your feelings, and you didn't tell yourself that you are not that person, that you are not, uh, that you can't amount to anything or anything negative like that.

And again, simple things like that. Simple is best. 

Niki: Yes, yes.  and with, and like on that note, thank you so much. Like I think that will be a perfect way to bring this episode to a close. And we really, really appreciate you having on having you on our episode, Stephanie. And would there be any final thoughts or tips, or advice you would like to give those listening today?

And where can people find you as well so they can learn more about what you have to offer? 

Stephanie: Yeah, so, um, my website, it's Stephanie Butler coach.com. I'm also stephanie.butler.coach on Instagram. You can check me out there. Um, and my final thought is kind of a little bit to what we alluded to earlier is, you know, we're all just learning as we're going.

I've never been a 48-year-old woman on January 3rd, 2023 on this podcast. . I've never done it before, but did it, right? So we're all just trying things out. And with mindfulness, be curious, excited, and interested in what you are. Presently doing right. The best that you can. That, that's my greatest advice.

And yeah, I hope to, um, you know, continue to follow both of you on your journeys, on social media, and, uh, so glad to have met you. 

Niki: Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure to meet you as well. Stephanie and Qua on that lovely note. My heart feels so full. What, do you have any advice for our listeners?

Qua:  Uh, hey everyone. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. You cannot go through life alone. You can. You can, but, oh, is it gonna be bland? Is it gonna be hard? And it's gonna be so many hardships, and there's gonna be regret. And before you know it, you're gonna look back and regret not talking to that person, not asking for help, not even reaching out and helping someone, please.

You have to, for yourself, for your life to feel. You have to be willing to give of yourself and open and open yourself to newer possibilities. And if you're really going through something and you can't get help where you are, find help in a more positive area. If you can't talk to your parents, talk to your friends.

If you can't talk to your friends, talk to your therapists. If you can't talk to your therapist. Talk to yourself first and then figure out what you need. And then once you figure out what you need, go from there. Please, please, please, please. Ask for help. 

Niki: A hundred percent. And like again, I really appreciate you coming on, Stephanie, like you've shared with us so much.

Thank you for being vulnerable with us. Thank you for sharing such amazing advice and tips. And I, I know that they're gonna help a lot of people who are listening to this. And for my final thoughts of the week, it would be to remember to embrace your inner. I know many of us have lost access to them or tried to just drown them out.

You know, children should be seen. That herd type of thing that our society tries to put into circulation. Um, but try to reconnect. Have a moment. Think about stuff you used to do like Stephanie mentioned earlier. Think about stuff you used to enjoy doing as a kid. What made you happy? Did you like dancing and singing?

Did you like crafts or tinkering with things? Reading, whatever it may be. Find a moment, find a day the next day off, whatever. Do it. If you like the little slime kids or you like to play with Play-Doh, get it. Who cares if it says it's for five-year-olds? At least now you know not to eat it. So find those moments.

He's like, oh, well I used to draw but I'm not good. No one was ever good at the beginning in art. Lemme just tell you something. Art, and if you're good or not, it's all up to interpretation. It's all. So as long as you're having fun, as long as you're enjoying yourself in that moment, no matter how quote-unquote bad you think you may be dancing or singing, as long as it's bringing you joy in the comfort of your own space, that's all that matters.

So that's my challenge to you this week. Find something that used to bring you joy as a kid and give it a shot. Try it. So, let us know. Let us know what you did. If you'd like to share. . If you have a favorite song that you wanted to sing, let us snap. So on that, on that note, everyone.

Qua: We also was, we don't, we, we also, I just wanna let everyone know that we don't have any uh, uh, animosity towards people who eat Play-Doh.

If you want to eat Play-Doh, eat it. It's fine. I'm not gonna judge you. 

Niki: Don't tell people to eat Play-Doh! 

Qua: I'm not telling you the people to eat Play-Doh. I'm just saying if they eat Play-Doh, it's fine. Dude. I guess if that's your thing. 

Niki: Oh my. Oh, okay Guys, don't listen to this fold. I'll get you sick. Don't put Play-Doh in your mouth.

Don't.  Go sit down. Go, go. Don't eat. Put the play-doh aside. Go play with something else, so, so you can know.  Qua, stop being the bad influence! On that note, guys, thank you for joining us for today's episode of the Mountain and Music Podcast. 

Qua: To hear more please subscribe and follow our podcast wherever you listen to us, and we would love it if you gave us a rating and review so we can ensure that we are bringing you great and valuable content and we encourage you to share this episode with someone whom you think will get great value out of this episode.

Niki: And lastly, be sure to check us out on our Instagram at Melanin Muses podcast, as well as our official YouTube channel for more content, like, subscribe, follow, and give us some comments because we wanna hear from you. We wanna have a conversation because we have family over here and we wanna talk to you.

So yes, on that note, we shall see you next week. And this is Nikki b signing off. 

Qua: This is Qua signing off. 

Niki: Stephanie!

Stephanie: Signing off. 

 Niki: Byyyyeeee

Qua: Bye yall, PEACE!